


This is what real life looks like.

by WasilewskiLover



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Love, Real Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-23
Updated: 2015-06-23
Packaged: 2018-04-05 19:58:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4192986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WasilewskiLover/pseuds/WasilewskiLover
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Settled in series 3.<br/>Finn has moved into the new apartment and before getting the chance of asking Rae to move in with him, he learns some news from her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This is what real life looks like.

It felt like yesterday I stopped at that traffic lights, with Chloe sitting on the back of my scooter, and I saw her.  
My Rae.  
I still remember the exact moment I spotted her because it completely changed my life, even though I didn't know how much back then. Her being so casually cool, so... normal. Every other girl I had come in contact with until that very moment, was either trying to get into the gang or flirting with me. She was different. She was just a girl, outside of a car drove by her mother, chatting with her old friend. She was just an ordinary girl but, despite that, she had caught my eye. No one had ever succeeded in that, at least, not without trying hard.  
That time though, I already knew I was going to be the one who needed to try harder. 

I had been a complete asshole towards her in the next days, but that wasn't because I didn't like her. The fact was that I liked her way too much while she was super busy winning the gang over and going out with Archie. She barely gave me a look a day, if I was lucky, and I knew it wasn't entirely her fault. I used to feel so uncomfortable around new people, basically because I was afraid they might ruined the balance of my group, my gang. Back when Izzy brought to the pub Chloe, I remember feeling sick. It wasn't Chloe's fault, I was just being a dickhead as usual, but it's just my thing; I do not get along with new people.  
But this time, it wasn't like that: it wasn't like I didn't want to talk to Rae, or to get involved in her life. It was that I couldn't. Because I liked her too much. 

Once we became friends, everything was more difficult that I could ever imagine. When two people are friends they should be able to tell each other everything but I couldn't tell her the most important thing about me: that I liked her. That I didn't want to be her friend, well, I didn't want to be just that for her. I wanted to be her confident, her partner, her lover. I wanted to be her all, and I couldn't tell her. I still remember that rave. Feeling her behind me, hands on my waist. God, I still remember the sensation, like it was this morning. And then, everything went to shit. The dancing part, in which I barely saw her. The following kiss with Archie, which drove me insane. And my stupid and senseless kiss with Chloe, which drove HER insane. We both made so many mistakes that night and I still don't know where I did find the words to tell her I liked her. Well, technically I didn't, since I let myself just writing them on her back but, still. It was huge for me. I'd never been the romantic guy. I still think I'm not one, but I must have done something right if we've been together two years since then, not counting the brief break-up parenthesis. 

Oh God. The break-up. I don't even have to concentrate to remember the pain and the struggle I have suffered in that time. The night she came to my house to leave me and the consequential rupture of our life together. We had been a couple for, like, a week, and she dumped me with a "that's my decision." I remember hating her a little that night. But just because I already loved her back then, even though I didn't have the gut to tell her.  
I knew something was off between us since that morning, when she dragged me into the disabled toilet, when she told me I should have been with someone like Stacey, when she said she wasn't enough for me, when she clearly tried to break up with me. And I thought I had done a good job by keeping her with me with that kiss and that speech I gave her but, the truth was, I had only avoided the inevitable end.  
Thank God it's just a memory now. And I wish I could say we should have never broke up but, I would be lying. Everything that's happened between us, brought us to this very moment, in our life, where we are happy and she's finally confident.  
So how could I ever want to change something like that? Something so perfect?

Two years of us. Two years of talking, getting to know each other, loving each other even without saying it, because it wasn't necessary. It was sufficient to look her in the eyes to know she felt the same as I did. And now, she was about to end college and stay in Stamford. With me.  
It felt like paradise. 

Although I hadn't told her right away about the flat I had put down a deposit for, she seemed excited about it. And every time I added something new to it, like a plant, or a simple poster, my first thought was to ring her. Because her opinion was the only one that actually mattered. And now I was about to make her the most important proposal of my life. Well no, the most important would have been marriage, but we were too young for that. Still though... asking her to move in with me felt like the biggest step I could take. And despite I knew how much she cared about me it was a giant jump in the dark. I was giving her my heart and she could have crushed it in no time.

I was ready to do it, though. That was how much she meant to me. I was ready to take a chance on love, because the one I truly loved was her. If she was someone else, I could have never do that, but this was Rae. My Rae. My girl.  
Knowing that she didn't get into college really let me down, because I knew, deep down, that she could have kicked some serious asses over there but I couldn't say I wasn't happy about it, either. Keeping her close to me was enough for me. Bollocks to that! It was everything.  
I'm not perfect, despite what she says. I'm only human. And she's the reason I smile very day. So, it's obvious I want her close.

«Are you gonna open the door dickhead or what?» I was so hung up in my thoughts that I missed Rae's banging on the door. There she was. Usual and casually cool Rae.

«I'm coming girl.» Once opened the door and seeing her over there, a spontaneous smile appeared on my face. Jesus, I was becoming one of those boyfriends going crazy for their girl. But I couldn't really help how I felt about her. She was my sunshine.

«Already? Wow, you're fast.»

«What are you talking about?»

«You said you were... COOMING.» She was already flirting with me and she wasn't even in the apartment. I could have just grabbed her and lifted her until we reached the bed and just showed her how much I was ready for her. But, there was a more important talk we had to do.

«Wow, your flat is getting, well, different, every time I look at it.» She was clearly messing with me. But I didn't really mind.

«You really like it, Rae?»

«Of course, it's your flat! I like you and I like your flat. In fact I don't think there's a thing about you that I don't like.» There were a few times she was this brave. One of the things we had in common was that we weren't able to talk about our feelings but when we did, it was like an explosion of happiness.

«You've got something you want to say to me, girl?»

«Nothing in particular, why?»

«Don't know... you sound pretty romantic tonight.» 

«Oh shut up. I don't sound romantic. EVER.» 

«Whatever you say.»

«Such a prick.» We just loved teasing each other like that. It was like going back to where it all started. And "such a prick" was actually her favorite quote for me. She just loved to make me notice she thought I was a proper jerk. And most of the times, I actually was. It was nice to know that now, it was just a flirting thing we used to do.

«Well, since you got nothing to say, I'd like to say something.»

«Of course. Go on then.»

It was showtime. Although I had memorized the speech in my head now all I had was "since you're not going to Uni, would you move in here with me?" but it was bad as shit. I had to come up with something. Fast. I was about to speak up when she started talking real fast, going around the room, picking at her cuticles. 

«Rae, you need to talk slower or I won't get a word of what you're saying which I believe it's important.» I was getting scared because since we were together she had done that only one other time. When she had tried to break up. Fear was taking the best of me.

«Right... I'm sorry Finn.»

«Sorry about what?»

«I just need to tell you something but I don't want you to get upset.»

«Okay... is there a reason on why I could get upset?»

«No... yes... maybe? I don't know how you react to these things.» What things? What the hell was she talking about?  
«Right, it would be better if I just spit it out, right?»

«Yes, please Rae because I'm strugg....»

«I got into Uni.» 

There was probably the longest pause we had ever had when we were talking about important stuff. Why would I get upset about uni? Yes, I was happy with her being in Stamford because I could have her close but university was a good opportunity for her. For her future, for her career. In that moment though, the truth hit me, fastly. Badly. Painly. It was her future, not ours. It was her career, not ours. University was her ticket to get out of the city she had always hated but, in doing so, she would have to leave me. Us. Our perfect little bubble of happiness. That was probably why after two all minutes I was silent. I wanted words to come out. I wanted to tell her how proud of her I was, but I couldn't. Because I didn't know what to say. 

«Wow... that's... well, that's big news.»

«I know. Are you upset? Because you seem upset.» I am Rae. I am.

«Upset what? No Rae, I am not upset.»

«But you don't have to worry about it babe. There's no reason to.» Oh, thank God, she wasn't breaking up with me then. Of course, why would she? Okay, Bristol is not around the corner but we can manage things out. 

«Why would I worry about it? It's fantastic news, Rae.»

«Fan... fantastic news? Why is it fantastic news?» So, she was upset because she thought I was going to freak out about her leaving, and now, if I say it's fantastic news, it's not good either? Girls and their mysteries. 

«Because I'm really proud of you girl. You're going to kill it in Bristol.» I was trying to be supportive although I was going to miss her a lot but she didn't seem to like my reaction.

«I'm not going.» What the hell was she talking about?

«I'm sorry, I don't think I got it right. Did you just say you're not going to Uni?» What was that coming from? She was banging on about it for like, a year, and now that she got in, she wasn't going for it? Something must have happened.  
She just nodded as a response but I was not going to drop this.  
«Why did you decide to stay here? You love it there! You said it was a great university, why did you change your mind?»

«I just did.»

«That's not a valid answer for me Rae. Why don't you gonna to a university that you love?»

«Because I love you more.» There it was. She actually said it. She loved me and that was the reason she wasn't going away. Love should be something that pushes you to do your best. It 's not supposed to be clipping your wings.

«Girl... that's not an excuse.»

«An excuse? The fact that I love you it's not an excuse. It's just the truth. And you don't even seem happy about it, so maybe that's the real problem.»

«Babe I don't wanna have a fight with you but you're not going to blame this one on me. Not this time. Of course I'm happy that you love me, I'm more than happy. I'm thrilled. If we weren't having this big conversation I would have already thrown you on the bed and made love to you, but we're talking here and...»And that's when all went to shit. She knew well what effect hearing her feelings for me would have done to me so, to make me end the conversation she said that she loved me. Not because she meant it but because she wanted to end the talking part.  
«Is that why you said it?»

«What the hell are you talking about?»

«Is that isn't it? You said that you loved me because you didn't want to face this conversation. Well, I'm sorry Rae, we're not done here.» I was incredibly pissed at her. She had used our relationship, the power she knew she had over me, to shut me up. If I didn't care about her so damn much I would have already thrown her out of the apartment. But that was the reality: I did care and I did love her. That is why I needed to know the truth. «I'm not letting you ruin your life.»

«Well, it's my decision isn't it?»

«We are in this together so it's our decision.»

«No, we aren't. You clearly just said that you think I'm some twat with zero respect for you. You really think I could have told you that I love you, without really feeling it? After all this time Finn, I thought you knew me better than this. I'm not going to uni because I want to stay here, with the man that loves me.» I had been an utter prick. Of course I knew she meant it, how could I ever think otherwise? 

«Look, Rae... I'm sorry, alright? I am dickhead and you know that. I just... you told me they rejected you. So, when did they give you the big news?» I was trying to solve things out but I had the feeling she wasn't going to have it.

«That's why I thought you might get upset.»

«Oh... okay. Well, I'll try to stay calm, I swear. I'll do my best.»

«They never really told me I was out. I got an acceptance letter yesterday.» So, that was it. She had lied to me about the interview going badly. And about getting rejected, but why? There was no time for being upset, I just needed the truth for once.

«I see. So, why did you lie to me? I'm just asking Rae... I'm not angry or anything.»

«I wanted to tell you but, you see, when I got home and I read the letter, we had just been here... together.»

«So? We're together all the time Rae.»

«Yeah but, last night was special. Well, at least for me.» I had never thought about what would be like to tell your girlfriend that you loved her but, with Rae, there wasn't anything else I would have wanted her to know. And now, I wish I could just take it back. I wish I could just tell her some other time. The right time.

«Would you like me to take it back, if I could?»

«What? No, oh no Finn, last night was the most unforgettable night of my life. You are more... than I've ever dreamed of. And I know that you and I together... I mean I know it's a joke. People must think I've won a competition but...»

«Are we really back at this point Rae? AGAIN? FOR REAL?»

«It's the truth, whether you want to admit it or not.»

«I can't do this anymore. I've spent these last two years telling you how much you mean to me. How much I think you are beautiful and perfect. How much I couldn't live without you. How much you make me feel alive and happy and safe, and NOW, after all this time, after all the talking, WE ARE BACK TO THIS SHIT?» I didn't mean to sound mean but I was so mad at her right there. I couldn't believe she couldn't see she was everything for me. And the one time I tell her what every girl wants to hear, she uses as an excuse to be a coward.  
«You know what, Rae? I think this is total bullshit. The truth here is that you don't wanna go because you're fucking scared. Well, guess what? I am fucking scared too. I'm scared because I won't get to see you every bloody day but that doesn't mean that I am allowed to throw shit at you and to minimize our love and relationship.»

«That's not true. I don't want to minimize anything. I just told you that I love you.»

«Because you're scared of getting away!»

«No.»

«No? Then, you said it because I said it first?»

«No!»

«Then why?»

«Because if I go I'm going to loose you.»

«What the hell are you talking about? I'm not going anywhere.»

«Exactly. I am. I am the one who's going 3 hours away from here. For three years. And you're going to find someone right for you and you're gonna forget all about me. And I can't stand that! Because I. LOVE. YOU.» 

Why couldn't she realize that I loved her and only her? That, no matter where she was going to study. whether it was Bristol or fucking Tunisia, I was going to lover her anyway? It didn't matter where she was. She was in my mind every bloody second of every bloody day and there was nothing no one could do about that. I just loved her because of the way she was. Always fucking brilliant and with a bright future ahead of her.

«Babe, I love you too. You know that, right?» She nodded.  
«Good. Then how can you think I can be with someone else when you're still breathing on this Earth? I love YOU, only YOU, and I am proud of you and your journey. This is a big opportunity. You have to take it. And when you come back, you'll find me here, waiting for you.»

«You can't put your life on hold for me, Finn. I won't let you do that.»

«It won't be on hold. I've got a job, I've got a flat, and my friends. I'll be fine. And when you come back for Christmas, or on summer, we're going to be together, and we're going to be happy. Because I can live with having you away for three years but not for my entire life.»

«Babe I don't know what to say.»

«Look, I don't wanna tell you what you should do. I'm not that kind of guy and the last thing I want to do is to hold you back. Just promise me that you'll think about it, yeah?»

«Yeah, I will.» Things were good again. Finally.  
«Finn?»

«Yeah?»

«You're not holding me back. If I decide to stay here it's because I'll do it for myself.»

«Oh... so, I don't matter at all?» We were so back at teasing each other. And it felt like home. 

«You do dickhead, you know you do. Anyway... weren't you going to tell something important earlier?»

«What? I don't remember...» I did remember but that wasn't the right time to ask her to move in. I had already fucked up, big time, with the "I love you" confession. I had planned about telling her while I was kissing her, on the lips, not while I was going down on her but it just came out because it was what I truly felt and I couldn't take it back. I didn't want to take it back.

«I don't buy that Nelson. So, spit it out.»

«It's nothing really.»

«So, you do remember. Come on Finn, we're in a sharing moment. So... share!» Oh, fuck it!

«Right... so I wanted to ask you something important actually. But now it doesn't make any sense really.»

«Let me decide that. What is it?»

«I was wondering.. you know that this Friday we have the warming party, with the gang, right?»

«Sure. It's going to be devastating.»

«Well, I was wondering if we could announce another important thing. Together.» She was staring in shock like if she already knew what I was going to ask her.

«Are you about to tell me that you're pregnant Nelson?»

«You're such a dickhead Earl. No please, let me finish.» She gave me a small smile and then nodded.  
«I was wondering if you wanted to move in here but now there's no point in asking really.»

I had said it. I actually said it. It was out there and no one could erase those words from her head.

«What?»

«Move in here, with me.» Fuck everything. I could still ask her, no matter where she was going to study. Once she got home for her holidays or on the summer break, she would have come home, to me. To us. Hell yeah, that was a proposal.

«Babe that's... I don't know what to say.»

«A simple yes will do, really.»

«I love you.»

«That's fine by me. More than a simple yes.»

Two years of us. Two strangers fell in love, by talking about music and sharing kisses and truths about their past. Two strangers fell in love by simply looking at each other because the most important things between us were the ones we never really said out loud. And now, those two strangers were becoming a family. And those two strangers were us. Rae and I.  
It does sound like a fairy tale but it's just real life. And this is what real life looks like. IT'S HEAVEN.

**Author's Note:**

> Since lots of people gave shit to Finn Nelson about his reaction in episode one of series 3, I've decided to do this one-shot from his POV. I hope you like it!  
> I personally think that Finn was amazing and I totally support his decision. By reading the ff, you'll know why.  
> Leave kudos, if you like.


End file.
